Resentment

Resentment: a feeling of persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, an insult, or an injury.

How many of us live resenting the very requirements of our day to day living? This question surfaces in my mind as I pick raspberries. For the longest couple of weeks, I kept checking and checking to see if they were ripe. Nope. Then, in less than a 24 hour time period they went from “nope” to bursting. So many, in fact, that I will not be able to get to them all this day. That’s OK. I am really here hoping to get just enough to make the very first raspberry jam of the season. And while I will be doing this between now and September, many, many more times, this first batch is always special to me.

As I am picking, I am feeling how grateful I am to have the time, the space and the inclination to be doing what I am doing in an unhurried way. And while I do have things to get to, beats to hit, right now I have an abundance of time to be here. This as opposed to hurriedly, maybe resentfully, cramming what I am doing in between other things. (Or worse yet, needing to assign this task to a reluctant teenager who might just poison the bounty with discontent and ill will.)

Along with the gratitude, I am also aware that if I were overly busy, this thing that I am doing which so matters to me, would be experienced as a resentment. I would be feeling as though this chore was some insult to my time; an overwhelm in my day. This awareness leads me to think about us as a culture and how often it is that we resent the very things that make up the fabric of our lives, all because we have set up our lives where we have too much going on. Because of this, things like self-care, home-cooking, taking care of another, doing whatever needs to be done, or what matters most, can only be experienced as one more thing to do in a too long list of things to do, all because we have made certain things more important than the basic and simple necessities of life and of living.

With enough space in our lives, chores lose their edge, caring for ourselves is juicy, and supporting another fills us. Our busyness, over-scheduling, and technological time-sucks leaves us resenting what we most need to do for ourselves and others. So, if you find yourself resenting the necessities of what keeps your life going, and what it is that makes for a good life, pause for a moment and ask yourself; If I had all the time in the world, how would I feel about what I am doing right now? And then, the hardest question of all to ask, and then, to answer; What would need to change in my life to make enough space and time for what needs doing?    

Beats

 

When we are trying to hit a lot of beats in our day to day, it can be easy to believe that accomplishing our to-do list is the point of our living. With this comes the sometimes hidden hope or belief that when all of these things are done, then, finally then, we can get to… What our heart truly yearns for. Better health. The relationship that needs tending to. A habit change. Better care of ourselves. A life that makes sense to us.

And so we keep going. Running harder and faster. As a civilization we have never worked so hard to do more, keep up, and get ahead of it all, while simultaneously believing we are living the dream right in the midst of so much self-imposed intensity and suffering. The honest to god truth is; there is no keeping up. There is no getting ahead. There is no magical, restful, satisfying and fulfilling place that resides at the end of treadmill living; a place that we will finally reach and inhabit if we can just stay on the moving conveyor belt long enough and well enough.

The problem is, we cannot see this truth when we are on the treadmill because all of our energy is focused on staying on. That thing is moving so fast on its own and through our own added momentum, that if feels as though if we stopped running we would be flung off risking death, starvation, alienation and other injuries we most wish to avoid. And even if we survived all of this, maybe we would not be able to get back on. What would that mean?

The answer is not on the treadmill. It is not in a to-do list or other people’s expectations of us. It is not in the obvious and not so obvious deadly messages we receive from the culture about what the good life looks like and takes to get there. It is not in the past and what our parents told us. It is in this moment. Whatever this point in time calls for and whatever that looks like. And sometimes what it looks like is discontent, disease, and dissatisfaction. Oooh, who wants that? Better keep moving.

Or, you could look at how you are living. What hurts? What do you feel resentful about? What imbalances are currently manifesting in your body? Which relationships are not working and why? The trick here is two-fold. One. You must slow down long enough to feel more than the press to keep driving forward. Two. You must recognize that what is not working in your life is information and guidance so precious you want to find ways to befriend it.

P.S. I wrote this effortlessly and without any intention of doing so after getting off of my own treadmill in a time when lots and lots is stacking up. By making the conscious effort to honor the stillness and the space of a daily practice, I am regularly awed by the magic, synchronicity, inspiration and ease that happens when I stop. This is often most especially the case when the treadmill mentality would tell me that this is exactly the time I cannot stop. My advice to us all; Sit down everybody. Just sit down.

Somewhere Else

 

I am fasting every month for a day and a half for the next year. I am doing this in preparation for a Vision Fast I am doing in May of 2018 in New Mexico. I know this is going to be a massive stretch for me, and so, in preparation, I am trying to stretch a little bit at a time before I go.

I have fasted three times now, and every time has been different. Sometimes physical discomfort has been the leading torment. At other times, it has been the incessant wailing of my mind. Wherever I have landed in this, each and every time I have caught the scent of a running theme in my thoughts. That being, the regular instructions coming out of my mind telling me to endure my experience in a way that gets me through it, or past it, to a time in the future when things will be better. Easier. More to my liking and comfort level.

Years ago, my yoga teacher spoke on the difference between experiencing our lives, and enduring them. Through the fasting, I have been face to face with how I endure. I feel the endurance as an inner tension; a way of trying to steer and manage, protect and get away. In the body it reveals itself as a clenched jaw, a tight gut and a body armored against what is happening. In the mind, it shows up as a big, fat “NO!” to the experience at hand.

In the midst of last night’s 3 a.m. mental and physical suffering, I had the obvious revelation that I had, in fact, chosen to have this particular experience. That contrary to the opinion of my ordinary mind, “it” wasn’t being done to me. Therefore, I had a choice about how to be with this, and more to the point, the recognition that I always have a choice about how to be with anything. And so, I chose to say “YES” to the sensations in my body and to the chaos in my mind. And then I took it further by choosing to pour it all into an intention for what I wanted. Even further, I chose to devote all of what I was doing and experiencing to Something More than me. With that, I fell asleep and awoke in the morning at ease, despite the hunger.

There is something so very powerful about choosing to experience the moments of our lives exactly as they are, while channeling it all into what we most deeply want out of Life. Add in devotion to Something More than yourself, and you have valuable instructions for a life fully lived. And isn’t that what we all want? The ability to be with all of ourselves, while being connected to Something Greater.

The Way Is Narrow

 

“Narrow your life down to this moment.” This is my mantra, and it is bringing me more peace and clarity than I could have ever imagined. No small feat given the fullness of my life at this time.

Running into this simple instruction from the spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle a couple of months ago could not have come at a better time for me. It showed up right in time for the perfect and beautiful storm of internal and external upheaval and shifts that started to brew in the wake of endings and new beginnings.

Returning to this phrase over and over again has settled me down in the most profound of ways. A pressure has been lifted. And within the words, I feel more than words could possibly convey; I feel a Truth so simple that is it incredibly easy to miss. That Truth being that anything that you need is contained both right in front of you in the form of this moment, and directly inside you.

Try it. Try letting go of “later.” Try letting go of using your mind to create endless scenarios around “What if?” and “How am I going to do this or make that happen?” Instead, every time you find yourself spinning out into the business of trying to manage the future, say to yourself; I narrow my life down to this moment. Watch what happens.

“Lies”

 

The day I left to come home after a visit with my mother in Florida, I called the airline just before we were leaving to check on the flight status. The plane was delayed by 15 minutes. When I got off the phone and told my mother this, she demanded the phone number of the airline so that she herself could call. “Why?” I asked. “Because I think you are lying to me.” Huh?

(To give you the back story, my mother was dropping me off at the airport and then going on to play in her Sunday golf group. I had already offered to go earlier so that she would not be rushed. She did not want to do that because she did not want me to wait any longer than I had to at the airport.)

As we began to go back and forth, back and forth about her calling the airline to check on the veracity of my report, a timely piece of sanity crept in during our exchange allowing me to ask, “Why would I lie to you about this?” To which she immediately responded, “Because that is what I would do.” I burst out laughing with the relief of no longer feeling like I had to convince another person that I was not, in fact, a liar. More to the point, I could see that I had been gearing up for something that did not have a single solitary thing to do with me and whether or not I was being honest. It had to do with her and how she would have handled the situation. By her own admission, she would have lied to me if the roles were reversed because she would not want me to feel bad about her having to wait longer at the airport. And because she felt as though the lie would in service to me, she would not have even seen it as a lie.

It has left me wondering; “Do we ever truly know who is in front of us? Or do we just believe they are some reflection of who we are, how we do things, along with our beliefs about how people should be?

In the end, I have decided to stay with just figuring myself out. No one else. What I have found is this; there have been more times than I can count where I have tried to convince another person of who I am or am not. Sometimes I have done this face to face with another. More times than not though, I have done it through the fake conversations and arguments I hold in my own mind. I have spent a whole lot of time with something that has never had a single thing to do with me, ever. Even if it looked like it did.

“Busy”

 

Everywhere I go lately, this is what I hear, “I am so busy.” Underneath this statement seems to linger some veiled expectation on the part of the other that I should understand that because we are so overly occupied as a people that we should therefore be exempt from being responsible for certain things; like taking care of ourselves, like noticing, like making time for others, like living in balance, like paying attention to our kids. Observe this for yourself. How often do you feel, say or hear, “I am too busy to…” (Fill in the blank).

What is happening to us? When did “busy” become the very highest in what to go for in this Life? Even though most people would chuckle and say that is not what they actually think, not what they actually believe, it is actually how we are living.

In the yogic tradition there are two aspects of the Universe; that which is still and steady, and that which is flowing and moving. These energies move through us and through all of Creation. Unfortunately, we are too often weighted in movement that is extreme, chaotic, tense and blind. And too often, the stillness that we inhabit comes in the form of collapse and zoning out. At its best stillness informs movement and flow originates out of the steadiness. They contain one other. They seek one other. That is why these energies are depicted as Shakti and Shiva; the goddess and the god, the pairs of opposites, longing for the embrace of Union.

We have lost track of the necessity in our lives for balance. And we do this at great cost to what we love most. I will tell you that the very best and most important things that have ever happened to me have been born out of the space and the room for what really matters. No easy feat in a world that values speed and busyness and doing way too much. All the time. Even in our leisure pursuits.

On some level we know this, and yet too often it does not change our behavior. Change requires more than words or guilt or empty promises. It demands understanding what your actions mean to you. Why it is that you do what you do. So, what does being busy mean to you? What do you think it means about you? Why do you do it?

P.S. Change also requires including into the equation what it is that you lose out on when you do what you always do. In other words, at the very end of all of this busyness, beyond the reasons we tell ourselves for why we do what we do, what will you have lost that you cannot get back? Looked at in this light, what do you suppose our eulogies or tomb stones would read like? “Here lies so and so. Too busy to…”

Sitting

 

I am doing more sitting these days. Literally, just sitting. I am not meditating, making lists or planning anything. I am not writing, reading or praying. As years of engaging in a daily practice have passed before me, more often than not, sitting is serving as the entry point; a doorway into places that either sets the practice up, or takes me to where my formal practice does not. It regularly demonstrates to me the deep and essential importance of doing nothing, absolutely nothing. And even though there is nothing in particular I am searching for, or aiming for, a most organic and surprising platform for good health, a clear mind, and right relationship with self, others and Spirit continues to arise each and every time I submit to this thing called “nothing.”

Like gale force winds the outer world whips around me clearing and destroying. In the midst of this, my little corner of the world goes through its own tectonic shifts as next fall both of my kids will be out of the house putting me in the position, for the first time in over twenty years, of not being responsible daily for the care and well-being of human beings dependent upon me. And then, oh by the way, we are building our new home, and I am on the brink of sending a long-labored book out into the world. These shifts and opportunities are pressing me to grow up somehow in order to become the person that all of this both asks and demands of me. And while my first inclination typically would be to start running harder and faster, it is, in fact, just the opposite. It is the doing nothing that is allowing me to not only keep up, but to actually flourish.

Personally, I can see that despite decades of meditation, mindfulness, prayer and yoga, I too often find myself trying to get somewhere, as opposed to being somewhere. I do not even know where I am trying to get to. It is as if there is some infinite, cosmic check list, and if I can just get through enough of it, some day it will be done, and that will mean… I don’t actually know what that would mean. Lately I see that even if and when, for arguments sake, I actually could get through that list–my life would be done. Knowing that makes me feel like I am not in so much of a rush anymore. Because that is the truth; we will never be done. As some of my favorite teachings describe, we are the embodiment of Consciousness/Spirit/Life itself which is infinitely and always looking to create through us. It never ends.

It seems to me that our minds have somehow confused the infinite creativity of Life itself coursing through us with busyness and endless lists of things to do. It puts me in mind of the accounts I have read of indigenous cultures who had to work daily for the necessities of life like food, water, shelter and protection, and yet still had hours each and every day for doing nothing. How might we do the same? How much of our running around is in fact, some kind of a defense against living? What exactly would happen if we all just sat  down, and not in front of a screen? Our lives are all moving so fast. Too fast. In our speed there is much that cannot be seen. Or felt. Or experienced. Gandhi once aptly said, “There is more to life than increasing its speed.”

That is exactly what I am aiming for these days; a discovery of what that something more is. What does it feel like? How do you get there? What’s it all about? And while we may all get glimpses at times, mostly we relegate the “something more” to a small section of our lives. If at all.

 

 

The Way

 

“If I could show you the way” is the chorus that keeps repeating in the song that is playing in the background. The music is serving as the backdrop for an exercise in developing an intention. I am about to write mine out and then stop. I find myself drawn to write down the words, If I could show you the way, I would… Then, I go on to author my heart’s desire.

I have been mulling over this phrase ever since. If I could show you the way feels like a map for being in the world. It feels like instruction around the call to walk my talk, to show and not tell. It feels like clear and balanced guidance around how to be of service. It feels like a teaching around how it is that we can live standing for something in the midst of others doing and believing very differently than we do. And it feels humbling and respectful as in if I could do this.

Interestingly enough beginning with myself takes me to exactly what the world most needs. Every single time. And it does it in a true way. By that I mean it is never about starting outside of ourselves for a solution. It is never about doing anything to anyone. It is never about convincing, managing, forcing, coercing or cajoling. It is instead, about showing the way. Being The Way. Which will always be far more difficult than trying to get anyone to do anything.

Essence

 

Last Monday morning I opened the curtains to see everything coated in white. What a welcome surprise! I moved quickly through preparing my son’s breakfast and lunch, eager to be done so that I could make my way into the woods. I was yearning to be part of those early, unmarked moments; “first tracks” as we used to say in skiing. Only, I didn’t actually care about laying down the first imprint as much as I cared about the experience of everything being covered, quiet and untouched. More than anything, I needed the deep, deep quiet and the way that the external stillness holds me and reminds me of a place inside.

Winter is the time of the Kidney in Chinese Medicine. In this tradition, organs represent both the physical health of the body, and so much more. The Kidney is said to be the home of our deepest essence. This is where our truest nature resides. This goes beyond a job, the roles you play, your history. And while it includes all of this, it is transcendent of this. To line yourself up with your deepest self is to slow your pace, do less, retreat more. Now is the best time of all the seasons to go inward. This is the time to turn in. To slow down. To semi- hibernate. To nourish the roots. To take stock. It is the time to listen more deeply than we usually do.To do this requires that we learn to say “no” more often as a way of creating room for tuning in at this level. It means saying “no” even to the things that we enjoy, or feel we must do. Where is an easy place in your life this week that you can begin practicing “no”?

Without unstructured and open time in our schedules, we run the risk of creating more of what we do not want. Pressed beyond our limits because of stress, lack of sleep and busyness, we erode the health of the kidneys along with the very best in our nature. We know this. Somewhere inside we do understand that there are ways that we live that take a toll on us. And yet we continue. Why is this? Maybe we are so caught up in keeping up that we lose sight of what is truly happening. Maybe we have created a story in our minds about what it means to be busy; it means we are important, safe, not lazy. Maybe the busyness itself is a shield against knowing what we would rather not know.

While Winter is the dormant part of the yearly cycle, it is far from a time of nothing happening. To the contrary, this season is the essential precursor to the time of more creativity and outward expression that comes in the Spring. This is the lull, the hush, the void, the pregnant pause that precedes birth and growth. To change course or to nourish well for the next season of our lives demands going in. Without this level of contemplation we doom ourselves to create over and over again what it is that we do not want, but have always done. And so keep doing.

Non-Violent Activism

 

A friend of mine is out at Standing Rock in North Dakota supporting the tribes in their actions to protect the waters of the Missouri. On the other side of the equation are the people behind the Dakota oil access pipeline who have brought in militarized police using pepper spray, rubber bullets and more, despite the peaceful nature of the protests.

Before my friend left her home in Vermont, she spent time being trained in non-violent activism. The man who trained her is a seasoned activist and was well aware of the potential dangers she was willingly walking into. He knew just how easily things can get out of control in times like these. The instructions he gave her feels like guidance for us at this time for all of our encounters with “the opposition” Here is what he told her:

Stay Neutral. To me this equated with the art and practice of mindfulness; our ability to learn to be present moment to moment without judgment. When we can learn to be the observing witness, we are more readily able to respond as opposed to react. And from this place truth reveals itself and life-affirming solutions become possible.

Remember that there is a human being standing in front of you who has needs. It is so easy to dehumanize and demonize those on the other side of the fence; those who disagree with us, those who hold different truths.

Why are you here? Know what it is that you stand for and be able to articulate that to the other side-not through demands and accusations, but through thoughtful questions and discourse.

Be helpful. To this I would add, be kind. Even when the one before you feels like the enemy, can you offer basic human respect? Recognizing the value of their life in no way means you condone what they are doing. It is, instead, the recognition that all life is sacred, separate from what it does or does not do.

Know your rights. This one reminds me of a powerful personal example of mine. I was at an outdoor concert and not far from me was a man smoking cigarettes, repeatedly. It was making it hard for me to breathe. I could see that this was going to continue all night long, so I took a walk to gather my thoughts. In my walk, I noticed signs at the entrance prohibiting smoking. To be sure I checked in with an organizer. Same answer: No smoking allowed. Walking back I went over to the man and introduced myself. I told him that I was sorry to bother him, but that the smoke was really getting to me. He was immediately defensive saying there was no way I could smell his smoke. He demanded to know where I was sitting. Right before I got indignant, I remembered; the law is on my side. Instead of trying to prove anything to him, I merely told him that smoking was not allowed in the venue. Immediately, he backed down, said he had not been aware of that and apologized. When the appeal to human decency fails, knowing your rights is your ace in the hole.

Two closing thoughts: There is always a good reason why people behave as they do, whether we understand it or not. And despite what we see modeled all around us, real change does not happen through guilt, blame, shame or punishment. As Rosamund Stone Zander wrote, “People change in an environment of love.” Perhaps the litmus test of these times will be how much love we can generate.