Author Archives: Susan McNamara

The Best We Can Do

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I lay in bed last night awake for hours. Hot. Sweaty. Frustrated. Ready to implode. What am I doing here? What is it really all about? Some intensity inside of me was trying to figure something out. Trying to figure out whether I was on the “right” or “wrong” side of this thing called Life.

A professor friend of mine died this past weekend. She was the one who interviewed me and had, without even knowing me, somehow decided I was the one for the job. I never went through the “normal channels” to be hired. She was the one who, without me knowing, kept me from being laid off when the trustees wanted to cut corners and have one of the full time faculty teach my classes. She told the trustees I was the only one who could do what I do. For someone who truly knew me so little, she knew me better than some who have known me longest. She had a kind of built-in faith about me, and it gave me a strength and a confidence that I was lacking at the time.

I actually love death. And I love heartfelt services which necessarily come on the heels of death. Why? Because for that little window of time, everyone’s head snaps back into place. Everyone stops pretending, if even a little, that we don’t know. Everyone stops pretending, if even for a day, that the normal things we run around and chase, pale in comparison to this moment in time.

Our spirits are daily breaking. Each and every day we put more faith and more attention into a machine than we do the sanctity and preciousness of our own lives. We think about our devices more than we do each other. There was a time when we were schooled in placing those energies into Something Greater. Something not man-made. For those of us already grown, maybe we can mend our way back. But what about the children? What about the ones who are being schooled daily to believe that their faith, attention, energies, and the life force itself belongs to something that beeps?

I don’t know if putting these things together is somehow uncouth. All that I can tell you is that when I woke this morning I had a strong sense that all of  it must  be included. That the best that I can do is to decide to notice, and decide to observe deeply. And to act in the only way I know how.

 

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Right Relationship

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Did you ever stop to notice how it is that you identify yourself? What it is that you believe makes you, You?

We define ourselves in relation to one another; mother, wife, friend, daughter, teacher. It is through our relationship to others that we say; This is who I am.

We define ourselves through our affiliations; the political party we belong to, the religion we hold dear, the schools we went to, the yoga class we attend. It is through belonging that we say; This is who I am.

We define ourselves according to what we can and cannot do; I am a good dancer, I can’t draw, I am good with numbers, I am good with people, I can’t let go. It is through our capacities, or lack of capacity, that we say; This is who I am.

We define ourselves based on what we own; our cell phone, our clothes, our cars, our houses, our degrees, our books. It is through ownership that we say; This is who I am.

We define ourselves based on the past; who they said we were, how they treated us, what we were good at as kids. It is through what no longer exists that we say; This is who I am.

We are relational beings; born to know ourselves within a context of relation. It matters greatly what it is that we put ourselves in relation to. And it also matters greatly that we are connected to something beyond the relational requirements of the world with all of its fickleness, blindness and projections. It matters that we are in relation to something that is more enduring and true than  past experience, or what we do.

The trees, and all of nature for that matter, know the way. They are for no other reason than, they are. Is there something in you that is, just because it is? Something not based on an outer reflection. Something not based on how you will be received. Something not based on what you think you should do, or be. A dimension that is not in relation to anything other than Itself.

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We Need Both

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The light does not fear the dark. The light is not made less than by the dark. The light does not run from the dark. The presence of darkness does not annihilate the light.

Each and every day we need only look to the cycles of nature to understand the truth about light and dark; they are two sides to one coin. We need both.

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A Life By Design

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Last week in a yoga class, the teacher invited us to see the practice of Yoga as a way to create a life by design; as opposed to one built on default. And there it is. That is the choice. Always. Each and every day. Will we allow the conditioning of the past, our busyness, our fears and anxieties, or the distractions of modern life to lull us into a kind of neglectful living? Or will we be intentional about our choices?

All around us, every day, we see the consequences of lives neglected and languishing in default mode. We do not have to travel far. It is in our homes. It is in how physically and mentally ill we are collectively. It is in our addictions. It is in the rape of the Earth. It is in the loss of innocence with our little ones. It is in money and machines mattering more than people. It is in our violence towards those different from us, and towards those we say we love. It is in our inabilities to make dramatic and sweeping changes as a culture for the collective good.

How is it then that we can move out of default and into something we create by design and through intention? It is not found in New Year’s resolutions. It is not found in a redemptive moment after hitting a rough patch. It is not found in reading or hearing something. It is found in this seemingly ordinary moment; the one that is with you right now. Here is the only place that you can decide not to do what you have always done. Here is where you choose to see the pain you are causing to yourself or another. Here is where you finally move your body, stop the emotional eating, choose a different approach to a loved one, drive differently, think differently, love differently.

As my teacher once said; “Consistency is the key.” To create a life by design requires choice after choice after choice; all tacking in a particular direction. So while there will be an ongoing series of adjustments, our aim towards something Greater is what keeps us on course. Do you have a something Greater that you are aiming for?

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Wounds as Medicine

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Six weeks ago I was running in the woods and thinking about what I had seen one of my chickens do, which was to leap up in the lightest and most graceful of ways. I was trying this as I jumped over things in the forest. It was fun. I felt so alive and young. Then, WHAM! I was on the ground. Somehow as I was leaping over a log, one foot stepped on a branch fixing it into the earth while my other leg came down on top of it. Pain shot up my core and for a minute I could not breathe. I was caught so unawares. That alone made me sob.

When I looked down at my shin, I swear I saw bone. It was grotesque. I couldn’t bear to look at it so when I got home I put a band-aid on it without even cleaning it out. I left the band-aid on for two weeks. While I felt an almost continuous sensation there, I just could not look at it. Finally, in the presence of other people, I did look. It was a little gross, but getting better. I regularly showed “my wound” to my husband like I was a kid with a boo-boo. He would put on his concerned face. This helped. Then the scab came off, revealing a whole new level of wound underneath the scab on top. There is still a bruise which runs the lower half of my shin and is sore to the touch. But it too is healing. I am seeing that even though the worst is over, there are still some things I need to do to help this along.

This experience has paralleled for me the first real “wham” that we get in the world when we are young. The one that cuts the deepest simply because we were innocent to the possibility of its occurrence. At first, it feels like it’s too much for us, so we cover it up with false stories, behaviors and defenses because we are too afraid to look at it directly. And then slowly, if we are lucky and starting to wake up, we look beneath what we have covered up; hopefully in the presence of caring and compassionate people. We start to look at the hurt, becoming aware of what caused it along with noticing the ways that it has radiated out into our lives. And if we are smart, we learn to tend to ourselves lovingly; all the way to the end. No matter how long it takes.

This morning, I was out running the same loop. Just as I became aware of judging my body through cruel and misogynistic eyes, WHAM!  I’m back on the ground again. This time with bruised palms and a scraped knee. I start to cry. The thought immediately comes,  “I’ve gotta stop doing this to myself.”

The truth is, those original kid wounds were inflicted by others, and yes they cut deep. But, worse yet, are the wounds that we daily inflict upon ourselves.

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When Did You Stop Dancing?

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Recently I was away at a dance gathering. At one point, we were asked to reflect upon why it is that we dance. Many, many reasons quickly came to mind. I feel more open and free when I dance. I feel more attuned to my body and connected to others when I dance. These reasons were all true, but were somehow less than the ineffable gift that dancing brings to me. After letting that question rattle around for a bit, the truest answer spontaneously came. I dance because I am more of who I most want to be.

I once heard of a tribal custom where when someone would fall ill, the healer would ask a series of questions. One of the questions was; “When was it that you stopped dancing?” Here, dancing can be viewed literally or metaphorically. Really what is being asked is, When was it that you stopped doing what it is that makes you feel most alive? Traditionally, that absence was recognized as a blueprint for illness and disease; a kind of soul-sickness that eventually makes its way into the body.

When I look back over my life, the times I was dancing reflected periods of both great freedom and a sense of belonging. So whether it was the years of ballet, dancing alone in my room, sneaking into clubs to dance when I was underage, teaching aerobics or finding my current dance form, I am never so charged with life as when I am dancing.

What is it that brings you most alive? This is not a should. This is not done as a means to an end. It is not a job you parlay into something else. It is, instead, something that lights you up from within. It is something you do just because of how it makes you feel, not because it gets you anything.

If you don’t know what it is for you, look back to childhood. Back then being charged with the sheer joy of doing what we enjoyed most of all was all we knew how to do.

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Trust As Medicine

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“Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.” Goethe

Learning to trust yourself is perhaps the greatest evolutionary leap you can take. It is a powerful and revolutionary act to decide to have faith in yourself. But… Maybe you know almost nothing about what it means to trust yourself, having never considered what it would take or feel like. Maybe trust was broken with you when you were young, and so you never established that level of faith within yourself. Maybe you are so busy, frazzled, and screen addicted that you do not know where or how to begin. Or if you even have the strength to begin. Perhaps it feels easier to let someone else be in charge of your life.

If we are to be the authors of our own lives, we must develop a faith in ourselves that is bigger than what is outside of us. Trusting our inner capacities comes from within and takes time to cultivate and develop. Maybe you think it is not enough to trust yourself.  After all, you’re no expert. Who are you to decide the rules? Or how things should go. Who you are is the only one who will ever know what it is that you need to do to live your life. The scary and overwhelming truth is you are already deciding. Each and every day we decide what to trust; either what is inside or outside of us.

We must remember that we are the ones who know what we need. We must learn that we can listen to, and trust, that small, quiet voice within. We must learn to lean into the uneasy, nagging feelings that tells us that something is off. This is so much easier said than done. We are inundated with external information about how to live from sources ranging from the benign to the opportunistic. This can leave us feeling as though others know better than we do. Most of us have had no training in this regard, furthering that feeling that it is natural or at least easier to follow another person’s rules, ideas or influence. And yet, if we are to serve as the guardian of our own lives, we must turn towards ourselves and develop a deep capacity for trusting what comes from within. The stakes are high. We are talking about the only life we have.

This is an important place to pause and to point out that as a culture we tend to be very, very hard on ourselves while expecting things to be quick and easy. There is nothing quick, easy or guaranteed about this process. Your way will take time and be unique to you. And while we must allow for this to take the time it needs, we must also simultaneously hold that the clock is ticking. Nobody else knows what you should do about your life, but you do. You do. Your only task in this regard is to find ways to access that knowing while allowing for the missteps, mistakes and miscalculations.

Daily, we have gut feelings about what is happening all around us. The next time you have one of these sensations, pause and take note of it. What does it feel like? Where is it located? Maybe even say something out loud to yourself about it. Then, notice the way the rational mind will try and turn it into something else. Be aware of both sides. Then, make a choice and see what happens.

 

 

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Where Is The Space?

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In our day to day, where is the space? The discerning pause. The intentional choice to not fill up every nook and cranny of our lives. The experience of spaciousness is often sorely lacking in our day to day. Too often it remains non-existent in our schedules. It is MIA in the way we listen to both ourselves and to one another. We do not have space for our own emotions and needs or for the differences that arise between us. We leave no room for coincidences or synchronicities; closing out the chance for the long arm of the Universe to work its magic in our lives.

It is only from a place of spaciousness that can we notice the temporary as it rises and falls, always giving way to something else in our minds. When our minds can become as vast as the sky, the annoyances and problems become like leaves blowing in the wind against the back-drop of that very same sky.

In the meantime, we are filled to overflowing. And we are choking on the effluence.

The spaciousness is found in the gap between breaths.

It is in the conscious pause as you step through your door after a long day at work.

It is found in the self-control required to turn your phone off and to quit the obsessive and time-consuming checking.

It is in the early arrival for your next commitment that affords you the opportunity to just sit for a few moments.

It is in the regular use of the word, “No.”

It is in the taking of a long, slow deep breath before a response.

It is in the setting aside, each and every day, a time to check in with yourself.

And it is in the recognition that who you are is far vaster than any to-do list or external expectation of how you should spend your limited time here.

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Beliefs And The Body

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More and more our culture is recognizing the undeniable and indivisible role that the mind has in the health of our bodies. In terms of bodily truth, this union is irrefutable. And while many of us can make this connection intellectually, it is quite another thing to know how to work with this directly. Our thoughts and beliefs are as familiar and often unnoticed to us as the air we breathe. Much of what occurs with our belief systems operates beneath the surface. Because many of our beliefs are below conscious awareness, we cannot access them directly. It is like with the wind. We cannot see the wind. But we can see the wind through the movement of the trees. Here is where the body comes in. The body, like the trees, reflects the winds of our mind.

So, how could we access what is beneath the surface of our mind in the service of greater health? Carve out 15 minutes to be alone with yourself. Bring paper and pen. Sit quietly and breathe. Nothing else. Let your body be as soft as you can allow it to be. When you feel settled, visualize a health issue that you feel stuck around. Let yourself experience the symptoms, frustrations and fears. Ask yourself, “What do I believe it means to have this imbalance/illness in my body?” Then, begin to write without pause or interruption for 5 minutes. Do not pick the pen up, censor yourself or worry about grammar or punctuation. Just write and write and write. When the 5 minutes are up, read what you have written. Take it in.

Then, and here is the challenging and often hard to see part, ask yourself one of the following questions; “What do I get out of being unwell?” “What benefits do I derive from this?” “What protection does this afford me?” “What does this keep me from having to know about myself?” “What does this keep me from having to take responsibility for?” Repeat the 5 minute write and reflection.

You cannot con the body. Ever. You cannot talk it out of anything if you are being disingenuous or if there is still something left unattended to. It is important to remember that the body always has perfectly good reasons for doing what it does. This is not a punishment, but instead a communication and an opportunity to grow and heal in the most authentic of ways. Perhaps you have been believing what you believe for a very long time. Could you offer yourself the time, patience and commitment needed to bring body and mind into alignment?

 

*The 5 minute write idea comes from Writing Down The Bones by Natalie Goldberg

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Hijacked

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Last week my husband was away for a couple of nights presenting me with a rare opportunity to have the room to myself. How did I use it? Binge watching half a season of Downton Abbey. It seemed like such a “treat” at the time. A chance to curl up in bed with a story I enjoy. Only. Several hours past my usual bedtime I was still saying to myself, “Just one more.”

The whole non-treat aspect began earlier than I would like to admit when I stole away like a thief in the night, ear buds tucked in my sleeve pre-meditatively, so that my son would not know what I was doing. This so flies in the face of what I stand for and what I expect from him. This one action alone tells me everything I need to know about the long arm of technology. It leaves me dazed, pondering; “What is it that is so powerful that I would go against my body’s needs?”  “What is it that is so much bigger than my values and what I stand for?”

And that night, even though I was tired, I was too wired to fall asleep. It was another hour before I was able to turn off the theme song to Downton Abbey that kept looping insidiously through my mind over and over and over again. Once asleep, I was treated to a night of disturbing dreams and images. The next morning I was bleary-eyed and stiff. And even though the air was sweet and the day magnificent, I barely slogged my way through a run that I typically so look forward to. Later that day going to teach one of my favorite topics (ironically enough entitled Technology and Its Impact On Our Health And Well-Being), I was unable to focus on my notes for class. Nothing seemed to stick, and my usually creative zeal was MIA. I crawled through the day; my passion and vitality hijacked the night before by images on a screen.

What could almost be laughable is that we are talking about a PBS series. I mean, really. This seems pretty low on the power continuum of gaming, shopping, social networking and porn. But the compulsion was there nontheless. There is no denying that. And so I ask you, how in the name of all that is good in our lives are we and our children going to stand up to the really seductive and addictive stuff?

P.S. If there was ever any thought in my little rat brain of how great it would be to have Netflex, it is gone. I don’t think I would be able to live with myself and the dull and meaningless life that would ensue. I do not think I could bear theme songs and characters on a screen hijacking my very existence.

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