Recently, I was at a family gathering where a new mother with babe in arms left the dinner table to go into the other room to nurse. I sat feeling the wrongness and the unnecessary isolation being imposed when a woman feels as though she needs to separate herself from her people to feed her own baby. At one point I got up to see if she needed anything, only to find her deeply engrossed and hunched over her phone. She didn’t need me or my show of support. In fact, she didn’t really need any of us at that gathering. Who would miss us when there were infinite “tribes” to connect to with the swipe of a finger; potential communities, activities and entertainment sources that would ask nothing of her other than to stay curled over her device, but ultimately giving nothing much in return. Picture the scene in your mind’s eye. Mother and child off in another room by themselves. A baby at the breast of a mother who only has eyes for her screen. This is the seed of what is to come, and it ain’t pretty.

The very heart of our lives and therefor the lives of our communities is held and formed in the bond between a mother and her child. Baby and mother breathing as one. Heartbeats beating in sync. Invisible cords with the tensile strength of steel move back and forth weaving the two together. It is primal, animal and non-verbal. It is touch and smell and sound. It is the sacred encapsulating the physical. It is the dance and love song of life itself. They are more one than two.

So, what will it mean to insert a machine between them? What will it do to that new life seeking itself in the eyes of another to look up and see a piece of metal? What will it do to the physical health of a rapidly developing nervous system to be so close, so often, to the electromagnetic fields given off by the devices? How will that mother know her baby in the way that only a mother can know her child if she is physically there, but little else? How will that mother know how to advocate for herself and her child in the face of the injustices of the world if she can so easily distract herself from the inhumane realities that surround her? The same realities that only a present and passionate mother has the clarity and strength to challenge on behalf of her child.  Truly, there are no words forceful enough or compelling enough to convey the irretrievable loss that takes place in this one scenario. You must feel your way through this one in all of its subtleties and nuances.  And extrapolate out…

Before we knew, we knew. I am talking about the way we have been joking with one another about how addicted we are to our devices. South Korea, who embraced technology a decade before us, already has Internet Addiction camps that their youth attend. Instead of treatment for booze or drugs, it is rehab for the screens. For children. Internet and gaming addictions are widespread among those seeking mental health counseling for depression, anxiety and sleep disorders. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Psychiatry and Psychology lists Internet Addiction in the appendix “Conditions Requiring Further Study.” Our noses are pressed up against something, and still we refuse to acknowledge what it is that is right under those very same noses.

How can this be? How can something so life-altering be directly in front of us without garnering our recognition of it? In a word, denial. Wherever we find addiction, we find denial, the king of all the defense mechanisms. This is the vehicle through which we refuse the reality that stands before us. Denial takes many forms, some obvious, some more subtle and slippery. There is the way we will wiggle out of the recognition by finding ways to justify our choices. There is the way we will acknowledge something as problematic while simultaneously slipping away from that acknowledgement. It is there in the way we say this is how it is and there is nothing we can do. And it is there in the way we downplay how much it is impacting us. The “funny” thing is though that when we look at a psychological definition of denial, it is an unconscious defense against experiencing unbearable pain. Amidst our great celebration of all things screen, we are suffering terribly. Despite how things look on the surface, the underneath tells a different story. This pattern is always present with addiction, and its henchman denial.

One of the most profound things I ever heard come out of a teacher’s mouth was, “What is real in this moment?” Not how you want it to be. Not how you were told it should be. Not what keeps things smooth with others. But how is it, really? It takes great courage and determination to look at life squarely without backing off or twisting away. It takes great presence and discernment to see the truth as opposed to colluding with a kind of mass denial that keeps us feeling more at home by being addicted right along with those around us. It’s more comfortable this way because we are not alone. This way there is no rub or challenge to the status quo. This way we get to leave the responsibility for our lives and that of our children’s in the hands of something else. Only through looking  will we know how to proceed, will we know when our lives have gotten off track, will we know when we are lying to ourselves..

Here is a real denial-busting question to ask of yourself: “Do you think that on your last day you will lament that you did not have enough time in front of a screen?” No? What is it then that you will lament?

I teach a college course called Relaxation Techniques. One of the topics we cover is looking at how technology  impacts our health and well-being. Working with 200 students each year, here is the short list of what I consistently hear, each and every semester:

Of the way their cell phones serve as a “lifeline,” and that without them they would be lost, afraid and disconnected.

Of the collective agreement to turn a blind eye to how people lie online.

Of the headaches, neck strain, insomnia and shoulder pain they experience when in front of their screens.

Of a looming feeling that maybe their devices will cause cancer, but being unable to let go of them nontheless.

Of the uneasy feeling that part of them is missing without their phones.

Of the overwhelm when their phone is about to lose its charge.

Of the exhaustion they regularly feel because instead of going to sleep they get caught up in a Netflex binge, or get lost checking their social media sites.

Of the sadness and disappointment they feel when a friend is more interested in their device than them.

Of the feeling that whoever they are with, they are always with someone else.

Of the addiction they see in others and experience within themselves.

Of the despair that only comes late at night thinking that maybe the days and months logged gaming might not be so cool after all.

Of the realization that there is always, always an excuse to have their cell phone out, even though it is getting in the way of school work, intimacy, peace of mind or sleep.

Of the lack of satisfying connection in their relationships despite their ability to get in touch with anyone at any time.

Of real life, in-person conversations being awkward, thinking that maybe that is why people say this generation has deteriorated social skills.

Of the deep and pervasive fear to be alone with themselves.

Of the time they spend stressing over a single letter or punctuation mark, fearful of how it will be received.

Of being constantly afraid that something will happen to them or someone they know, but that as long as they are with a cell phone they will be insulated from that harm somehow.

Of the fear to call as opposed to text because you never know what someone might say.

Of the terror that perhaps their lives are not meaningful without someone else looking at what they have posted, tweeted, or snapchatted.

And of the sense that something is not working, but feeling that this is just how it is now.

They believe this is how it is now because they do not have a before. They believe this is how it is because this is what we have taught them. They believe this is how it is because this is what we as the grown-ups in their lives have allowed to occur.